1. Hesitation often comes from fear of awkwardness; given research showing that people want closer ties with existing friends, I think a greeting may be welcome too.
  2. Apply a single framework called the Low-Pressure Signal, which sends a small, specific memory while explicitly releasing the recipient from any obligation to reply.
  3. Select one person from your contacts whom you haven’t spoken to in months, and compose a one- or two-sentence note that expects nothing in return.

Why does this feel difficult?

You scroll through your contacts and pause at the name of someone you have not spoken to in months or years. A spontaneous urge arises to ask how they are doing, but you hesitate. You wonder whether they have forgotten you, whether breaking the silence will feel awkward, or whether your unexpected message will seem intrusive. Unsure of how your greeting will be received, you close the messaging app and let another month slip by.

A study titled “The American Friendship Project,” published in PLOS ONE in 2024 by researchers Natalie Pennington, Jeffrey Hall, and Amanda Holmstrom, examined friendship patterns across American adult and university samples.

The findings uncovered a contrast between the quantity and depth of modern relationships. Over 75 percent were satisfied with the number of friends they had, and the average was four or five friends. Only 1.5 percent of the 2023 adult sample said they had no friends and no enjoyable interaction partners. Yet when researchers assessed relationship quality, a significant gap appeared: more than 40 percent of participants felt they were not as close to their friends as they wished to be. People could be satisfied with their number of friends while still wanting closer ties.

When you hesitate to reach out, you may be focusing on awkwardness rather than connection. Applying these findings to a greeting, you might consider that the recipient could want closer ties too. That is the writer’s inference: this study did not investigate people’s reactions to receiving an unexpected message.

Illustrative assumption: Imagine considering sending a brief greeting to 10 acquaintances you have lost touch with (input). You assume all 10 will find the message awkward or unwelcome, and decide not to send it (process). Those 10 anticipated negative reactions remain unverified assumptions (output). Imagined worries may stand in the way of your decision.

Reluctance to say hello is not proof of indifference. It is usually the result of an excessive desire to avoid creating inconvenience for someone you care about.

One framework: The Low-Pressure Signal

Breaking a prolonged silence does not require an elaborate explanation or dramatic emotional declarations. You only need one consistent framework to guide your words. The framework I suggest is the Low-Pressure Signal.

Packing too much weight into a single message may feel burdensome to the recipient. Offering extensive apologies for not writing sooner, explaining your busy schedule in detail, or asking to arrange a meal can make replying feel like an administrative task. Try the following three steps to lower the pressure.

First, omit lengthy apologies and excuses. Life moves quickly, and gaps in communication are a normal part of adult relationships. Beginning with guilt may leave the recipient feeling they need to write a long, formal reassurance.

Second, anchor the message to a single, concrete memory or everyday trigger. A short note such as “I saw the novel you once recommended at a bookstore today and thought of you” or “I walked past the restaurant we used to visit and thought of you” shares one small fact without asking for anything.

Third, explicitly remove any obligation to reply. Adding a closing sentence like “No need to reply to this—just wanted to send warm thoughts your way” can turn your note from a request into a small gift. Removing the demand for an immediate reply may make sending and receiving a greeting less burdensome.

This framework also has boundaries that require discernment. If the estrangement resulted from a severe personal betrayal, toxic conflict, or an unresolved violation of trust, a casual low-pressure message is inappropriate. In such cases, respecting the boundary of silence is often the wiser choice. But when distance is merely the product of busy lives and shifting routines, the Low-Pressure Signal may offer a gentle way to begin talking again.

A documented decision

A true story, retold

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were old friends and political rivals who experienced nearly twelve years of enmity following the presidential election of 1800, won by Jefferson.

Encouraged by Benjamin Rush of Philadelphia, Adams took the initiative and wrote to Jefferson on January 1, 1812.

Adams enclosed his son John Quincy Adams’s Lectures on Rhetoric and Oratory, which he described as “two Pieces of Homespun.” The package became separated from the letter in the mail. Eager to resume correspondence with his old friend and political rival, Jefferson initially misinterpreted the phrase as actual cloth, learning only later that Adams had been referring to his son’s books. Adams received Jefferson’s January 21, 1812, reply with good humor.

The resumed correspondence lasted until both men died on July 4, 1826. The Library of Congress calls it one of the greatest intellectual exchanges between former presidents in American history.

The record establishes that Rush encouraged the renewed correspondence, and that the letter of January 1, 1812, enclosing the books was the first in the exchange that continued until 1826. It does not guarantee that the same approach will work in every relationship.

Two Pieces of Homespun — Thomas Jefferson and John Adams Correspondence

Your next question: What small memory can you share?

When someone from your past crosses your mind, it is often a quiet reminder that the connection still carries meaning. You do not need to wait for a milestone birthday or a major holiday to reach out.

Pick up your phone, think of someone you’ve missed, and send a sentence or two. Sharing a small memory without expecting a reply may be a way to begin talking again.